Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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