slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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