The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
