I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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