Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
