Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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