omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
