No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
