He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
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Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
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I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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