I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
