Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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