This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
