i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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