I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
