Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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