I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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