it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
