im six kinds of drunk right now
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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