I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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