I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
