Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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