did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
