You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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