This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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