After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
