Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
