Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
