New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
last night I used snow as a chaser
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
