Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize