I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
