Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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