Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
