i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
