If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
