hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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