p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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