i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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