How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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