dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
