Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
