I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
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