I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
