I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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