thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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