I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
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IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
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I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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