If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
