I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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