dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
