Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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