So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
