drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
ok first of all what the fuck
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
