Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
