she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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