Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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