Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
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And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
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Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Canadian or clown?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.