If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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