i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
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Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
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She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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