Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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