he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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