Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize