i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
